Monday, February 7, 2011

Dorian Gray and Night of the Demons

Ok so this is what you get when the girl from "The Prestige" and Prince Caspian get together and make their own movie. Based on the Oscar Wilde story "The Picture of Dorian Gray" it's a story about a man who has a picture painted of him, and is obsessed with his own beauty. He then sells his soul and that painting of him ages instead of him. It's all very..........not that interesting. I tried to watch it I couldn't get through it. I mean I watched it all but I was only like kinda there I've been really tired.

NOW NIGHT OF THE DEMONS! there was some shit! Seriously this may have been the worst movie I've seen this year. Now, I'm pretty sure this is a remake of "Night of the Demons" from 1988. According to IMDB it is, but so much was changed and it doesn't seem like it was for any reason. It's like if the "Dawn of the Dead" remake took place on an island? either way here's the description from IMDB of the original "Night of the Demons"

"On the night of Halloween, 10 teens decide to go to a party at an abandoned funeral parlor. "Hull House", rumored to be built on an evil patch of land & underground stream, is the place. While starting the party, the teens gather around a big mirror to perform a seance...BIG MISTAKE. They awaken some evil force and find themselves trapped and taken over one by one. Now it's a battle for who can survive and cross over the stream before going to hell..."

Here's the movie description of the remake

"A group of kids go to a Halloween party, only to have to face down a group of demons."

Ok there really isn't much of brief descriptions of this film on IMDB, but there's reasons part of the first description is highlighted. so here's it broken down in list form.

Original: 10 teens remake: 7 teens one of them is Edward Furlong who has to be like 110 now? Original: Abandoned Funeral Parlor "Hull House" Remake: Rentable Mansion Broussard Mansion.
Original: Evil patch of land and underground stream. Remake: ummm like some woman had a seance there once demons tricked her.
Original: Big Mirror and Seance Remake: they find dead bodies in the basement
Original: something about crossing over a steam Remake: they're locked in the house for some reason.

remakes don't have to be shot for shot remakes and keep the exact same story, but this isn't Halloween, this isn't a movie where the title is going to draw people to watch it because they really want to see an modern version of a classic film. so if you're not gonna use the same story why even keep the title? again it's not like there was a lot of demand for Night of the Demons 2009?

typing while laying down now.

the movie stars Diora Baird (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Beginning) apparently she's like the Remake Scream Queen or something? Monica Keenan(Freddy vs. Jason) and Shannon Elizabeth(American Pie and the epic "Where did my career go?") So Diora Baird puts on a corset to start off the film, and dresses like a cat, Monica Keenan dresses not sexfully, which is really a shame, they grab their friend who's not important but is also dressed like a cat, and go to a party at a mansion hosted by Shannon Elizabeth. The rest of the characters are introduced at this point Diora Baird's ex BF who's name is Dex and is played by Michael Copon, Edward Furlong who plays a drug dealer even though this only serves as a method to get him to the party and the 7 20 somethings into the basement, and Dex's friend I forgot him name so we're just gonna call him NotInsteresting McPointless. To make a long story short the cops break up the party and the 7 people who stick around end up in the basement where there's 7 corpses, and Edward Furlong managed to stash his drugs.

OK I really want to comment on two things here, first this mansion was apparently rentable, this is mentioned by Shannon Elizabeth's character. She says word for word "I rented this place" that implies that someone, or some sort of rental company or person is an acting property manager and they left corpses in the basement? literally they're sitting there in the EXACT SAME POSITION they were left in some 100 or so years ago. On top of that this event they talk about where these 7 people died, seems to be well known and reported to the police! the police were apparently just like "Eh they're not hurting anyone there just leave em!" "GOOD PLAN!!! What do we pay you for again? to break up parties? that's it?" Point 2, this is one of two movies that I saw last week that featured Edward Furlong as a drug dealer, I mean most actors play what they know but I mean you're not even trying to hide your day job anymore are ya Mr. Furlong?

ok, so one of the corpses bites shannon elizabeth and that makes her a demon, from here on out if she fucks or makes out with a non demon she can impart some of her demonosity into their mortal body. well, ok that's not entirely true, if she's trying to part some demon into another woman then it can just be a kiss but if a guy is trying to demonize a female they have to do the nasty. it makes sense if you try not to think about it.

ok getting away from the rant and getting into the actual review. This movie was TERRIBLE, there are so many plot holes it's silly, most of the movie is three people in a bedroom because that room is safe from demons, and I'm sorry I can't let this go there were dead rotting corpses in the basement for 100 years! First off the smell would be terrible, this was 7 corpses! SEVEN! Finally why remake this film?

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