Saturday, March 5, 2011

A Jaws Remake?

These days hollywood has decided to remake everything, and this morning I saw the movie "Jaws" on......some channel? what channel am I watching? I think it might just be on demand, either way so Jaws is currently on TV and I got to thinking why not remake this? So I've done the leg work that most producers and casting directors do all I need now is a budget and director and I'm on my way to one of the best remakes of all time!
Chief Brody: Ryan Reynolds. In Hollywood today you can't have anyone over 30 in a movie, so the old broken down Brody would be replaced with the young hip Ryan Reynolds (does it matter that he's actually like 35? Shut up that's what)
Matt Hooper: Zach Effron, There were rumors about a Jaws musical years ago so if we decide to go that route we've ALSO got a guy who can sing! two birds please meet my one stone!
Sam Quint: Jason Statham, he would need to be older than my 35something age bracket I've setup for myself and it'd be funny to see him sing "Farewell and adieu you fair spanish ladies".
Ellen Brody: Megan Fox, put aside in the budget 2 million dollars, 1 mill per boob, this assures the 14-25 crowd will pay to see our movie and the 26-35 and older. The scene where Ellen Brody asks police chief "do you want to get drunk and fool around?" PERFECT SET UP, instead of showing Brody's fear of the water cut to a hot sex scene much much better. We will have to wait until she's at least 25, I mean she has a 14ish year old child, I mean we're going for believable here.
Mayor Larry Vaughn: Murray Hamilton, to tie the new movie with the old.

Now remakes love to add backstory, the original "Jaws" never really explains why Brody's afraid of the water, so we'll tell a story about his father drowning or maybe he had a kid brother who was eaten by a shark, I like that more let's take the kid brother angle. Hooper's back story is explained fairly well, he became a marine biologist because a 4 foot baby thresher shark destroyed his boat, but they explain this is exposition, let's make this a black and white flashback all done in slow-mo. Quint's backstory has to do with the indianapolis, it's a very powerful moment of the original film, but this film wants to set it's self apart, Quint has absolutely no back story in this apart from he's crazy and evil. We'll start off the movie with Quint hunting sharks on some large fishing boat, he'll catch one and string it up on the boats crane, as he's posing with it the shark, already dead starts to go in to labor (or something) and a large baby shark fetus plops outta it. See where the original Jaws went wrong was it didn't give the Shark MOTIVE to kill, it treated it like a motivation-less eating machine. Now what we've established is a story about a sea captain, who gives up his life of sharking after he accidentally kills a shark fetus and a sharks story of REVENGE! Classic, inspired, and not at all unoriginal.

OK so this is going up on March 5th 2001 12:29pm. If this movie for any reason get's made i'm suing!


Jim said...

It was very nice of you to introduce your stone to the two birds before you killed them with it. Wait, that was what you were referring to, right? Not the other saying "Introduce two birds to a stone, and film that having a hot three-way"?

I think you're missing an opportunity to blend the entire Jaws Mythology and make it more cohesive. How about Emma Stone sexy young hotshot pilot Hoagie (Hooper's love interest)? Or Tyler Perry (as Madea obviously) as Mario Van Peebles? Also, if you get Emma Stone into your movie, you should try introducing her to two birds and seeing if you can film them having a hot three-way? It would make a great pun.

Resmo112 said...

I think if I can convince Emma Stone in to a three way then it better not involve tyler perry or birds!

Jim said...

Let me guess: Jason Statham would be the third?

Resmo112 said...

robert shaw circa 1976

Jim said...

Ooooh, dreamy. You could all compare scars.

Resmo112 said...

Ahhhh I can see it now,

Emma Stone: I got this one from my three way with Gary Oldman and the fat kid from good buger.

Kent: how many gross celebrities have you slept with?

Emma Stone: including Robert shaw? at least 2 more!