Ok, my dad always says you have 3 big moments in your life, you're born, you get married, and you die and you're only around for one of them. Now I obviously can't control or change how I was born. There are stories about how I was born and let's just say, my introduction to certain members of my family was memorable to say the least. Unfortunately for most men women tend to be the ones who have the dream wedding. So that means, as a guy you really only get 1 big moment all to yourself, your funeral. SO, I want to make sure everyone knows exactly how I want my funeral to go, you know since I won't be there, at least I hope I won't?
Initially, I wanted the service to be done by The Macho Man Randy Savage, unfortunately for him...I guess, I outlived Randy Savage. So back to the drawing board on who does the service. The obvious choice is Mr. T, but is that too obvious? ok well moving on.
No one at my funeral is allowed to cry, which is why armed guards will be posted at any door and throwing out people who cry. Should probably have one scare the crap outta the first person looking to cry, you know tackle them, pull out their gun scream a lot etc etc. which brings me to my next point.
My playlist. It's important to me that the music at my funeral is upbeat and fun.
Frank Turner- Long Live the Queen
Song about partying in honor of your dead friend. kinda speaks for it's self
Frank Turner - To Take You Home
Just think it's pretty
Alestorm - Captain Morgan's Revenge
I potentially will die from a pirate curse, so this one only makes sense.
AleStorm - Pirate Song
Don't regret your life! CELEBRATE IT!
Flogging Molly- If I ever leave this world alive
it's called if I ever leave this world alive? Do you need more explanation?
Bill Withers- Lovely Day
It's gonna be a lovely day! more to do with wanting people to celebrate my life, than mourn my death
Electric Six - The Future is in the Future
because when I think "How do I want people to remember me?" I think I'd like to be remembered as someone who loved Karaoke and dancing, what?
George Michael - Careless Whispers
if this didn't play, I'm pretty sure most of the crowd would revolt.
Blackthorn- Parting Glass Preferably they'd play this live, unfortunately I can't find their version, but I guess having to listen to the Pogues version isn't that bad of a substitute
Mika - Happy Ending
kinda depressing, this is how we clear out the room though, play this and my armed guards start tossing people out the wait staff gets home by 730.
Now, open bar a must, the bartender needs to start a betting pool for how many women thrown themselves on my casket screaming "I've always loved you" or something of the sort before being escorted out by my armed guards. This part is INCREDIBLY important, I have on my laptop a recording of me saying different things, like "Hey kid help me" "I'm not dead" "Let me outta here" this needs to be set behind my casket with a motion sensor, this way when someone walks up to the casket to say their goodbyes they get a little scare!
My Eulogy: Obviously fireworks need to be at the big moments, and I'll leave MOST of this up to the person writing the eulogy, but there are several things that NEED to be included. So Whoever gets to do my eulogy these sentences need to be included
"Kent always said the first to cry at his funeral gets haunted"
"Kent loved all his children, even the ones he didn't know about"
Now cremation is a MUST, not so much because I don't want to be buried, but because I want to go out WITH A BANG............literally. stuff my caskets full of fireworks! there probably won't be enough left of my body to fill the casket anyways, we've gotta take up that space with something.
and finally the kool-aid with warfarin (rat poison) will be handed out to the thousands of people who realize they can't live without me......not saying this is how it WILL go, just how it SHOULD go? what?
