Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mythology for whiney emo douchebags


I won't lie I went into clash of the titans thinking it would be bad, or at least couldn't compare to the 1981 version, so I'm a little bias. Though I expected to have SOME fun, instead I was just bored outta my fucking mind! this movie isn't the worst remake, but it certainly is the worst movie i ever paid like 9 bucks to see?

The first movie has it's faults, there's no real antagonist, you've got Thetis, and Calibos, yet Thetis doesn't really become the villain until half way through the movie and there's no showdown between her and Perseus. For all it lacks though, it's a fun romp through ancient greece.

THE NEW CLASH OF THE TITANS IS JUST ANNOYING! the movie starts with some story about Hades creating the Kraken and Zeus creating man and man's love keeping the immortals immortal......... and something else, basically they ditched Thetis because no one knew who she was and they were like "who's a god that was greek, evil, and people would know?" ok, I can live with that, I'd rather not have to live with that but still, it's not the end of the world it's just a little annoying. The part that really got me is they changed the plot. The plot of the first one is Perseus and his quest to rebuild the kingdom of Argos and marry the princess Andromeda. There's really not much to it, so I can see wanting to elaborate a bit, but what they did ugh! they made up this humans declaring war on the gods BS because the gods don't pay enough attention to them. Keep in mind this isn't like today where if a god talks to you we throw you in an asylum and put you on a bunch of drugs. This takes place in a world where gods regularly burst into rooms and turn into giant volcanos of death and Kill EVERYTHING IN THE ROOM!

After this bit about hades blah blah blah we skip to a coffin in the water and some fisherman finds it and there's a dead woman but the baby's still alive. the baby IS PERSEUS! The movie cuts goes ahead like 12 or so years, and the first words outta perseus's mouth are "you're gonna like your new baby more than me" this starts and AWFUL trend of Perseus whining.

I was typing for like an hour because I have a lot of bitching to do on this movie and now I have to restart because my computer fucked up!

Calibos - Character in this film = dumb! they made him the dad of Perseus and Hades wants him to kill Perseus because Hades wants to be evil!

Hades - Has any Hollywood producer ever read anything on Hades? He's not evil, stern and at times Cruel yes, but Persephone's main complaint about Hades was that he was too giving and too old. I'm so sooo sick of movies just going "we need someone evil, GET HADES!"

The final Showdown - there's actually a final showdown between Hades and Perseus. it's awful if they can stuff anymore action cliche' into it i'd be surprised.

Pegasus - Why did they have to make him Black? I wouldn't have a problem with it if it wasn't hollywood's complete attempt to be "bad ass" what do you mean Perseus rides to the scene on a white horse! well can it breathe fire? NO! well then it'll just have to be black! and like paint some lightening bolts on the side! he's the son of zeus right?

Bubo- no in it, there is a scene where Perseus pulls Bubo out of a bag and is like "what's this" and someone says "just leave it it's not important" I saw that as a "THIS AIN'T YO GRANMA'S CLASH O' TITANS BOY!" whether I took that the right way or not it's still dumb.

Andromeda - why was she in this movie? they got rid of her as perseus's love interest so why even have her? she's even more whiny than perseus she's the monarch with the heart of gold, touching, completely unrelatable and annoying. her replacement is a character that can't age, but can die? that's her curse I guess if her curse is so bad why didn't she kill her self off? the god that cursed her was dumb too, it'd be WAY more satisfying if she aged but couldn't die! NOW THAT's A CURSE!

3d - Awful! there was NO POINT to having this movie in 3d! I miss when you could see movies in just 2 dimensions.

this is literally half as long as the other one i wrote but I'm sooo soooo tired I took a sleeping pill at 1130 and basically the original clash is something that movie goers today can sit and enjoy, this is something that we'll see in 10 years and laugh at (hell I was laughing in theatres) movie was a piece of shit. I have no problem if they wanted to do their own thing, but do YOUR OWN THING then! this borrowed so much from the original yet changed so much of what made the original great.

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