Sunday, June 24, 2012
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
There are very few times in my life where you can tell me that it's a bad idea to put Abraham Lincoln in to situations that he's not normally associated with and I won't find it funny. Abraham Lincoln Pilates, Abraham Lincoln Girls Gone Wild, So when a bunch of stoned teenagers somehow got the power to make a movie, and decided to do an adaptation of the novel "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter" I was genuinely excited to see it. Don't get me wrong I expected it to be unwatchable, but I also expected to have fun, only one of these things happened, and I'll let you know I did not have fun. First off, the book. For what it's worth I hear it's a rather boring read, and a fairly informative biography of abraham lincoln....with vampires thrown in. The movie is pretty similar, it's essentially Abraham Lincoln's life, just throw in a vengeance plot and some other vampires. So, I'm not gonna go to deep in to the plot. As a boy Abraham Lincoln got in a fight with a vampire slave owner, that owner killed his mother, he in turn wants revenge. So Where does this movie go wrong? Well, first off the vampires, they explain SOME lore in this. They're allergic to silver and they can't kill each other. AWESOME! Can they go out in sunlight? cause they do quite often, but then again they always seem to be lurking at night? I guess it's easier to kill at night but this point was never cleared up. IN fact the only things they ever bothered to talk about was the silver and vampires lack of ability to kill each other. This isn't a huge deal but they apparently had some sort of vampire hierarchy and were heavy in the slave trade using the slaves as food. Barely touched on at all, I guess I'm just supposed to assume that this is what's happening. Also, BTW this is a movie that very clearly spelt out everything for the audience. I mean they left a bullet in one vampires eye I can only assume to make sure the audience knew who he was. Abraham shoots a vampire in the eye, his eye is apparently made of steel and it stops the bullet right at the end of the eyelid and he just walks around with that there the whole time. Can't go get a wood eye or something? glass? us a patch to cover up the empty socket that the bullet, which you could easily dislodge with your fingers, has apparently slightly damaged? But yet I can't get a simple explanation on the weaknesses of these vampires apart from silver and apparently axe twirling? Complaint number two, Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in this. This isn't normally a complaint, I've had a sick crush on this girl since Sky high(sick because she was playing a senior, she was like 23 it just seemed strange people) I personally think she's not a terrible actress, but this was a terrible performance, that being said no one could've done a good job at this, the script is awful. Then turn it down Mary. Also since I get more hits when I include pictures of women looking sexy, I choose to include I picture of the lovely Mary Elizabeth Winstead. I love you Mary. I know I write a blog but I swear I'm slightly less creeepy than the normal media obsessed men who criticize films on the interwebs......love me. Moving on, The Vampire Party! There's a party for vampires. It kinda makes sense, but no matter how much I talked about it I couldn't bring myself to find any actual logic to this. OK, SO Abraham is killing vampires, they don't like it, so they steal his best friend. When they steal his best friend he takes a riverboat to New Orleans with his friend Speed. Here is where the movie really started to make me angry. At a certain point Speed proclaims "Abe is there nothing we can't do?" or some bullshit like that. They have literally done nothing. Abe works in his store, he's the stock boy there that's about all they've done together. Speed brought him to a party, not the vampire party a different party, also thrown apparently for no reason. So, he obviously should be believe him and Abe can take on an army of undead? because...they went to an upscale ball.....together....once? Moving on, they get there and the vampires are having a party, they invited all the slaves, the slaves are going to be eaten including Abe's friend will, who's actually not a slave I guess they just wanted the guests to have something to eat? They even sent him an invitation, like it's worked up as this big trap, all it really is? wasted time! essentially he could've just gone down there, ran in to the vampires, asked for his friend back and left. just as suspenseful. This is getting long and I'm definitely rambling, but rarely do I say "This is a waste of time and money" even this had some fun moments, but waste of time and money, wasn't even something I'd recommend to go see for fun stoned. It's that bad I don't believe illegal substances can save this movie.